Two Checks: Paying for Their Future Without Spending Yours
What our two college journeys taught me about the trade-off every parent makes.
Every tuition bill comes with a second check that never arrives in the mail.
The first check goes to the student billing office.
The second comes out of your own future: the retirement years, the second act, and the version of you who will one day stop working and want to have choices.
Most of us write the first check without a second thought. That is what love looks like when it has a due date.
But after sending two kids through college, I have come to believe the healthiest families look hard at both checks before they sign either one.
Our Story
We started saving early, and we were fortunate.
For our son, we had about 60 percent of his tuition set aside. Then he chose a fifth year, and the cushion we had planned didn't stretch as far as we hoped. A small scholarship helped, and we encouraged him to take federal student loans for part of the remaining cost.
For our daughter, we were fortunate to receive a sizable amount in financial aid which, combined with what we had saved in our 529 plan, met the full tuition costs. We still encouraged her to take federal loans, and after she graduated, most of that balance was paid off using leftover funds in her 529 plan.
I am not sharing those details because our path is the right one.
Every family's math is different.
I am sharing them because of what was underneath those choices.
Why We Asked Them to Borrow
People sometimes ask why we had our kids borrow at all when we could have written a bigger check through taking loans ourselves.
Our reason was practical: we wanted them to build credit after graduation.
Making on-time payments on a modest federal loan gave each of them a head start on the credit history they would need for a first apartment, a car, and eventually a home.
Looking back, it also did something for us. Every dollar they borrowed was a dollar we didn't take from the accounts that would carry us into our next chapter.
That’s the part parents rarely say out loud.
The Pressure Doesn't Come From a Spreadsheet
Here’s what nobody tells you in the parking lot after a college tour: the pressure to cover everything rarely comes from the numbers.
It comes from guilt, from comparing ourselves to other parents, and from the fear that saying "not that school" or "not all of it" means saying "not enough."
And the numbers are real.
Data from the College Board shows that average published tuition and fees at public four-year colleges reached nearly $12,000 for in-state students in the 2025 to 2026 academic year, before housing, food, or a fifth year while private four-year colleges are reaching $60,000 plus.
Many of us hit our peak earning years at the exact moment we face our peak obligations, and it’s easy to let the louder bill win.
Financial planners often put it this way: your child can borrow for college, but no one will lend you money for retirement.
Federal student loans come with borrower protections.
A retirement account you emptied at 52 doesn't come with anything.
What Surprised Us
The 529 turned out to be more flexible than I expected. When our daughter finished with money still in her account, we were able to put it toward her loans. Federal rules allow 529 funds to repay up to $10,000 in qualified student loans per beneficiary over a lifetime. That one rule turned leftover savings into a clean finish line.
The lesson I took from it: planning doesn't have to be perfect to work. It has to leave room to adjust.
The Weight We Don't Talk About
Understanding the financial mechanics is only half the battle. The harder part is navigating the emotional weight that comes with debt, choices, and expectations.
In an episode of This Empty Nest Life, I sat down with Jessica Medina, an Accredited Financial Counselor and Columbia Law graduate who left her role as Senior Counsel at the SEC while carrying $200,000 in student debt. What stayed with me from our conversation was her point that student loans carry emotional weight as well as financial weight, and that the conversations we have with our adult children about money shape how they carry it for the rest of their lives.
Before You Write the First Check
I would encourage every parent to sit with the second check before signing the first.
Ask yourself what your next chapter will need from you financially.
Ask what you are paying for out of love and what you are paying for out of guilt.
And ask what it might mean for your child to own a piece of this, not as a burden, but as an investment in themselves.
Those aren't spreadsheet questions.
They’re second-act questions, and they deserve answers before the bill arrives.
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For educational purposes only; not financial advice. Please talk with a qualified financial professional about your family's specific situation.
Sources: College Board, Trends in College Pricing; Fidelity, What Can 529 Funds Be Used For?